Like a lot of moms, I want to be happy. I want to live a purposeful, fun and satisfying life. But I’m learning that happiness is not going to come from what I do, get or accomplish from being a mom, but rather, from how I approach this crazy life.

With Mother’s Day upon us, I want to address what gets in way of moms’ finding peace and happiness. I believe these roadblocks are driven by myths that are so deep rooted they often go unnoticed.

Myth #1: If I Could Only Be Like That Mom: We all see “that mom,” don’t we? She’s the one that seems to have it all together. She is organized and on top of everything and never seems ruffled. She seems born for the job and somehow, her presence brings about feelings of insecurity to how you are doing as a mom. So we strive to be like “that mom” and fall short, and end up feeling bad about our own parenting skills.

The truth is “that mom” has challenges too, they are just different than your challenges. Maybe her superior organizational skills also mean she has a hard time letting go of control? Or maybe she can’t cook or doesn’t sleep well (too much to do!)? Let’s face it — we fixate on the qualities in others we wish we had ourselves. Odds are other moms look at you, and end up feeling bad about some part of their parenting. The key is to remember that every mom has challenges and we can learn a lot from each other.

Myth 2: If I Could Just Lose Those Last Pounds: Striving to lose weight is a constant in many moms’ lives. It might be 5 to 10 pounds or more weight that has accumulated since motherhood or before. This weight is like a barrier that stands between moms and living — many don’t feel right until it is removed — which may be never.

The truth is losing this weight will not bring the happiness women seek. This is a lie — even women at low weights may not feel good about themselves. What happens is we women waste so much energy on thinking about our weight, disliking our body and agonizing over what to eat, that there’s not much left over for the important stuff. If we stop this obsession, just think how much energy we would have to take care of ourselves, move our body more and engage with family and friends.

3. If I Just Had X, Things Would Be Better: No matter where in motherhood you are, odds are there’s something you want that you can’t have at this time. It may be a bigger house or a different job or a different childhood stage. We all know we shouldn’t long for what we don’t have, but we do it anyway.

In the Untethered Soul, Michael Singer writes about how our resistance to life events is what brings suffering, not the events themselves. I myself get tired of letting circumstances decide whether this day will be good or bad. So I’ve been striving to turn things around and be grateful for what I do have, accepting life “as is” and choosing to be happy despite the messiness. Goals are great (needed even), but when we count on the outcome for happiness, we never quite get there.

Myth #4: If I Don’t Beat Myself Up I Will Slack Off: Have you ever noticed how you talk to yourself? When you make a mistake or say the wrong thing, do you beat yourself up? The negative tape in mom’s head goes off so easily saying words like bad mom, not good enough, how could I? Moms are harder on themselves than they would ever be with a friend or family member because they are afraid if they don’t, they’ll slack off.

But the truth is all the putting down zaps moms’ already depleted energy, making them weaker. Research shows self-compassion is a key ingredient for happiness. It also helps to realize that other moms make mistakes too. Try talking to yourself like you would a good friend, and watch how much better and proactive you’ll be solving the daily problems you face.

Myth #5: I Need to Be Fixed to Be Happy: We live in a “fix it” society. Pick up any women’s magazine and you will be told what you need to change in order to be happy (weight, wardrobe, skills). The belief is if we can fix ourselves and conquer some weakness, or escape aging, we will then be happy.

When I worked in the corporate world I read this wonderful book called Now, Discover Your Strengths. The authors argue that it’s a waste of time to focus on our weaknesses, and people are better off honing in on their special talents. When someone mixes their talents with hard work, it turns into a strength, and this is how people excel and get satisfaction. It’s nice for moms to carve out time to explore their special talents, whether it stays a hobby or becomes a career, it just feels good.

Over six years into this motherhood gig, I’ve come to believe that happiness is possible when moms embrace motherhood in a way that honors who they truly are. This means saying bye-bye to the myth of the supermom. I, for one, won’t miss her.

Have an extra-happy Mother’s Day!

When I educate patients every week, many who have just had their first heart attack, the story is eerily familiar. They say they eat pretty healthily and try to exercise but then I find mentally they aren’t doing too hot: little sleep, lots of stress and pressures and not a lot of true self care going on.

I believe that when it comes to health and well-being, we are missing the boat on the role that our crowded, overworked minds play in it all. And I had to learn that the hard way.

My first brush with panic
I was in my late twenties when the strangest feeling came over me while driving. I was dizzy and felt like I was losing control of myself. When the feeling subsided I was left clueless as to what just happened. This occurred a couple more times but never developed into much.

Not long after that, I dealt with swallowing problems, making it stressful to eat in front of other people. And when I turned 30, I started to have heart palpitations and got a full work up done by a cardiologist. I was told not only that I was fine, but I was in really great shape (this is the time I ran marathons).

So here I was eating right, working out like mad, but my mind was being left in the dust

The search for answers
I moved to New York when I was 31 and sought help at this time. Most importantly, I was able to leave my comfortable surroundings and get perspective on my life. I also researched the causes of anxiety. There is no doubt that I have a genetic tendency towards it, but I was surprised how much I could control and that included taming my thoughts.

What I discovered was that even though I knew my thoughts were over the top (my husband is always amazed at what my mind can conjure up), my mind took them very seriously. In fact, much of what I was feeling had to do with my thoughts and not my true self. What a relief!

One of the books I discovered was the Feeling Good Handbook, in which Dr. Burns goes into details about how thoughts make us feel, with the science to prove it. With this new awareness, my anxiety became manageable and those scary symptoms disappeared.

What this has to do with raising healthy children
Stress is a constant in most families. According to the 2010 Stress in America survey by the American Psychological Association, frequent stressors include money (76%), work (70%) and the economy (65%) with “family responsibilities” (73%) being cited as a key stressor for parents. Although most parents in the survey (69%) say managing stress is important, only about half feel they are successfully dealing with it.

That’s not all — the first Stress in America survey to interview kids (2009) showed that stress affects children more than parents realize. For example, 45 percent of teens (13-17) said they were more worried this year, but only 28 percent of parents recognized it. And while a quarter of tweens (8-12) said they worried more this year, only 17 percent of parents reported their child’s stress had increased.

Research shows that stress is not good for our health as it can increase hunger hormones, decrease immunity and is linked to chronic disease. Some of it has to do with how the stress is handled in terms of less sleep, poor diet and little exercise but researchers now believe that the hormones secreted during prolonged periods of stress can increase inflammation in the body.

I may not experience anxiety symptoms anymore, but I still have a lot of work to do being a good role model for my kids. The unhelpful thoughts keep coming and I want to keep them at bay, while tuning more into my intuitive side. So with this blog, and its relevance to health, I thought, why not put it out there, as many of you might be in the same boat.

So I’ve made the commitment to sit still for 5 minutes each day and see where it takes me.

If you want to join me, leave a comment.  If I get a big response, I will blog about it more.  If I don’t, I’ll provide updates periodically in my weekly meal plans.

With the New Year approaching, it’s the perfect time to assess where you are in terms of healthy habits, and where you want to go.  If you are a parent it’s likely you are struggling in the time department — wanting to lead a healthy lifestyle with the reality of a packed life getting in the way.

I believe parents have a secret weapon to good health that is largely untapped.  The same beautiful and wonderful little beings that make us time-starved are also the key to developing healthy habits that stick for good.

Don’t believe me?  Here are 5 ways to use your role as a parent (and your children) to live the healthy lifestyle of your dreams in 2013.

1. Notice the Sticking Points: Whatever was a health issue before kids gets magnified after having little ones around.  I call them “sticking points” — and sometimes they pop up where parents least expect.    This discontent is actually a good thing because it tells us something isn’t right.

For example, telling your child not to have sweets, only to sneak them at night or making sure your child has multiple opportunities for activity while living a sedentary life yourself, often causes the “guilt” radar to go off.  Take notice when this happens.

2. Get to the Source: Rose’s sticking point was her poor body image, something she desperately did not want to pass onto her daughter.  She worked hard to keep her weight down and eat healthy, but years of doing this never made her feel better about her body.

The key for Rose was to look back at herself when she was her daughter’s age looking for clues.  She realized her mother was never happy with her appearance despite being at a normal weight.  Because Rose saw a woman she adored hate her body, she never learned how to embrace her own.   And it was hard to give her daughter something she didn’t have.

3. Give Yourself What You Didn’t Get:  Once a connection is made, it’s time to give yourself what you didn’t get earlier in life.  Rose decided to work on appreciating her body, inspired by the unconditional love she had for her daughter.   Over time, she developed a healthier relationship with her body, took better care of herself and felt more genuine when giving advice to her daughter.

Whether it’s dieting or poor body image, a lack of cooking skills, low exposure to healthy foods, unpleasant memories of physical activity or having been forced to clean your plate (and ignoring hunger or satiety signals as a result), give yourself the very thing you didn’t get growing up which has helped shape your challenge.

4. Go for the Intrinsic Motivation: Children are great role models when it comes to intrinsic motivation to eat and be active.  If they aren’t hungry, they don’t eat.  They naturally move — and enjoy it.  They don’t do this because they feel they should, it’s just part of who they are.

Psychologists call this Self Determination Theory and the idea is that we are more likely to do things we are internally motivated to do.  So if losing those same 5 to 10 pounds hasn’t been doing it for you, choose reasons to engage in healthy behaviors that really matter to you.

This can be as simple as paying attention to the daily benefits you get from a healthy habits like more energy, productivity and better sleep or choosing activities that you really enjoy.

5. Utilize Self Compassion: The love a parent has for his or her child is an amazing force.  Believe it or not, directing some of that love back  to yourself can make a big difference.  Research shows that self compassion, being understanding of setbacks and challenges with self change, makes success more likely.

So when things go wrong, let go of the judgment and negative self thoughts that actually feed the undesirable behavior.  Instead, simply make a mental note of what needs to change and do it better next time.  It’s about progress, not perfection.

Have your children inspired you to take better care of yourself or is this still an area of struggle for you?

I’ll be reviewing and giving away a book that gets into the specifics on creating a healthy lifestyle, so stay tuned!

I lived in Los Angeles when Big A was born and all my friends weren’t moms yet. I didn’t realize how much I’d need other moms until I became one. I still joke with my friends how I used to try and pick up moms in coffee shops. I’d slyly ask “How old is your baby?” hoping to make a connection.

Eventually I joined a mom’s group and got the support I needed but it was rough in the beginning. So with Mother’s Day this Sunday, I wanted to write about how moms need other moms by highlighting some of the special moms in my life.

Same-age kids moms: No matter what stage of motherhood you are in, it helps to be friends with moms with kids the same age as yours. Whether it’s the early days when everything baby does worries or excites you or later when things aren’t so clear, we all need mom in our lives who understand the stage we are in.

I’m lucky to have joined a mom’s group in L.A. when I really needed it — and then found one in San Diego when we moved here when Big A was 13 months. A lifesaver for sure!

Role-Model Moms: We all need moms who have been there and can remind us that this stage too shall pass. I have two older sisters who had kids before me. I feel fortunate that they are not only a source of advice but two of my closest friends. Below is a picture of us at my wedding in 2004.

I also have my writing partner, Jill Castle, who has taught me so much about parenting older kids (especially when it comes to feeding). She is the mom of four and I’m amazed everyday how she handles her very full life!

Moms and Mother-in laws: I didn’t realize how often I would want to talk to my mom — whether it was a question or to share something funny one of my kids did. She loves my kids with all her heart and her unconditional love has always been an inspiration. She’s also the techie grandma who always has the latest gadgets (one of Little D’s first words was “pad” for IPAD)

And I’m blessed with not just one, but two mothers-in-law. My husband’s mom (Nonnie) is always there when I need her (and five minutes away) and she never second-guesses me. My husband’s step-mom (Granny) makes everything more fun and takes care of dinner on Sundays.

Can’t-be-with Moms (and Grandmas): Right before I got pregnant with Big A, I visited my grandmother, aunt and cousin in Serbia. My heart longs for them and its sad they can’t be closer. I know some of you have lost mothers and grandmothers, or may not have them close, making Mother’s Day bittersweet. But the memories help. Below is a picture from my amazing trip.

Long-time friend moms: I love getting on the phone with mom friends who knew me BK (before kids). You have the old friend connection layered in with new mom one as well. My best friend Rochelle is due with her second any day and it’s fun to see her experience life as a mom (us being silly in the picture below BK and BM!).

And old friends don’t have to be moms — it’s fun to hang out and feel like the old me again like I recently did with my longtime friend Marisa.

Cooking/Organizing/You Name It Mama’s: Every mom has a talent — something they are naturally good at. My friend Holly is an awesome cook and I’m always picking her brain. She turned me onto homemade granola bars and an awesome salmon rub. My friend Michelle is a great organizer and I always closely examine her house, amazed how there is no clutter.

There are the mom food blogs that make cooking look so easy, and inspire my own cooking, like Meal Makeover Moms, The Scramble, Simple Bites, Weekly Bite, and My Kitchen Handbook to name a few.

Feeding Moms: I hope I can be one of the moms that help you with feeding. My goal all along has been to provide you with research-based guidance so you can make the best decisions for your family.

One of the nicest compliments I’ve received from a reader was ” [the information on your site] has made such a difference. My son is a good eater. We don’t stress over his eating at meals because I feel like we have tools to handle any situation.”

Instead of a source of stress, I want feeding to be enjoyable for every mom, which is what Fearless Feeding is all about. I believe with the right information, support and commitment, we can all find our feeding groove. And a little self compassion doesn’t hurt either (Check my latest WebMD post — another Mother’s Day tribute).

So enjoy Sunday. You deserve a day not to think about breakfast, snacks and what’s for dinner.

Happy Mother’s Day!

I wrote this essay over 4 years ago chronicling my difficulty breastfeeding Big A — and what I learned in the process. During this time there just happened to be government-sponsored TV ads geared toward getting more women to breastfeed. While Fearless Feeding will not cover breastfeeding, it helps prepare parents for all the potential pitfalls that can happen during the 18 years of feeding. While we hope parents won’t experience too many feeding challenges, we know preparation is power!

“My boobs would have to fall off for me not to breastfeed,” I wrote to a friend, thanking her for buying me a nursing pillow. During my first pregnancy I watched, with a touch of arrogance, the government-sponsored TV ads promoting breastfeeding.

These ads showed a pregnant woman riding a mechanical bull with the voice over: “You wouldn’t take this kind of risk with your baby so then why would you take the risk of not breastfeeding.” I thought to myself, I certainly won’t.

Yet after my beautiful baby girl was born, breastfeeding proved to be the most challenging aspect of motherhood. That’s because every three hours I had a hungry baby who couldn’t always latch on my breasts, caused me intense pain and managed to make my nipples unrecognizable. Each nurse had a different opinion on how to remedy my situation. One urged me to use a nipple shield. The lactation consultant at the hospital, who visited me daily, said nipple shields slow down milk production. Another nurse already had me pumping milk and feeding my daughter through a bottle.

Looking back now the hospital seemed like a joy ride compared to my experiences at home. After my baby had trouble latching on my breasts her first night home from the hospital, I arranged to meet with a lactation consultant. This was just the beginning of what seemed to be a never-ending battle. Just when one problem was solved another reared its ugly head. I discovered that my daughter was inefficient at removing milk which is why even after hour-long nursing sessions she still wasn’t gaining enough weight.

One of the pediatricians in my daughter’s medical group recommended I supplement with formula. I had already started pumping milk and told her I preferred to supplement my baby with expressed-breast milk. I was surprised when she tried to talk me out of pumping. She said it would tire me out and feeding formula would allow me to sleep longer at night. But I did my homework. I knew that adequate removal of milk is what stimulates more milk production and my baby wasn’t removing enough. So, in my eyes, I had to be vigilant about pumping breast milk.

The lactation consultant supported my decision to pump and put me on a pretty strict schedule. First, I would breastfeed my baby. Second, I’d supplement her with a bottle of expressed-breast milk. And third, I’d hook myself up to a breast pump for 10-15-minutes. There was a direct link between my mood and how well each nursing session went. And just when I thought we were over the hump, at seven weeks, my daughter totally refused to breastfeed. Disappointment doesn’t even come close to describe my emotional state.

My mind wondered back to those government ads and anger soon replaced my previous arrogance. According to Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 74 percent of women attempt breastfeeding in the hospital but by six months only 41 percent are still breastfeeding. I began to sympathize with all those women who couldn’t make it to six months.

Then I thought about my own situation. After all, I felt as prepared as anyone to breastfeed. I read books, took classes and had the fancy nursing pillow. But did I have a realistic picture of what it would be like? I only learned what could go right and not what could go wrong. Every brochure and book tells you, “breastfeeding shouldn’t hurt if you’re doing it right.” “It’s rare that a woman can’t breastfeed.” This advice, which comforted me when I was pregnant, became utterly useless to me after I had a baby.

What I needed to know was what circumstances could come between me and my desire to breastfeed. I needed to know how inefficient newborns can be at breastfeeding. I needed to know what to do if my baby did not gain enough weight. I needed to know that my baby could prefer the bottle weeks after breastfeeding. I needed to know that even doctors and nurses can sabotage my efforts. I needed to know how important establishing a plentiful milk supply is those first few weeks. And, yes, I needed to know that it hurts.

But instead, new moms like me get guilt-ridden messages and the “breast is best” tag line. Wouldn’t our tax dollars be better spent finding ways to break down the barriers that keep women from continuing to breastfeed?

My baby is over a year old now and I’m proud to say she received breast milk for 11 months. After getting the biggest rejection of my life, I relied on the breast pump to keep my milk supply up and nourish my baby. I kept trying to nurse my daughter and it wasn’t until she was between four and five months old that she really started catching on.

Throughout this process I’ve learned more than I ever thought I would about breastfeeding, milk supply and pumping milk. And despite my difficulties I’m still pro breastfeeding. In fact, I can’t wait to make it work the second time. But the next time I will handle things differently. Most importantly, I will be prepared for all that can happen between deciding to breastfeed and my boobs falling off.

Both of my kids are in preschool two days a week, which means I get to each lunch all by myself. While I like eating with my kids, I have to admit I enjoy the break. But I have a lot to do when they are gone and have found that on some days my lunches are severely lacking.

So I’ve come up with some lunch ideas that are tasty, nutritious and filling the way I like. And none of them take more than 10 minutes to make.

1. Rejuvenated Leftovers: If there are leftovers food in the fridge, that’s where I start. Leftover taco meat becomes a taco salad. Roasted veggies get scrambled with some eggs and can be eaten with toast. Below is a meal I made with leftover rice and beans — I just added scrambled egg and cheese and topped with salsa and avocado!

2. Baked Potato: I used to eat baked potatoes all the time in my previous life so I have brought them back. All I do is wash the potato and poke both sides multiple times with a fork, then put it in the microwave for 2-4 minutes per side depending on its size. In the picture below, I added some cheese, cottage cheese and salsa. Leftover veggies would have been good too.

3. Tuna Salad: I try to keep some tuna in the fridge at all times as it makes the perfect quick sandwich. I use tuna with olive oil from Trader Joes and drain some of the oil first. I add one Tbsp. of plain low fat yogurt (can substitute mayo), one tsp of Dijon mustard, 1/4 cup chopped red onions, grated carrots, juice of half a lemon and salt and pepper to taste. If you don’t use tuna in oil, try added some olive oil to it to make it moist.

4. Mexican Eggs: We took a trip with other families a while ago and one of the husbands made a wonderful breakfast of Mexican Eggs. All he did was chop some red bell pepper, tomatoes and onions, sauté in oil until soft, add eggs and scramble, and top with some cheese. I usually have some beans in my fridge so I added those as well. When you are done, put the egg mixture in a tortilla and top with salsa, guacamole and/or avocado, and you will be heaven.

5. Everything But Salad: I am always pleasantly surprised what I can throw in a salad and have it still taste good. When making salads for dinner, I save some for my lunch the next day. To beef it up I add tuna, beans, chopped veggies, nuts, dried and regular chopped fruit and my favorite salad dressing. Eat it with some bread or starch of some kind and you have a complete meal!

So tell me, what do you eat for lunch when the kiddos are away?

Today on her show Oprah will announce that she will never diet again. Many of us who embrace a non-diet approach to healthy living are doing the happy dance. We’ve seen Oprah struggle and have been waiting for the day she would learn to eat more intuitively – and use her platform to get the message out.

The person responsible for Oprah’s “aha” moment is Geneen Roth, the author of the new bestseller, Women Food and God: An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything. Roth has gained and lost 1000 pounds in her lifetime bouncing between anorexia and obesity. When I heard of this book I rushed to the store and devoured it.

And, of course, I had to tell you all about it.

The premise
“No matter how developed you are in any other areas of your life, no matter what you say you believe, no matter how sophisticated or enlightened you think you are, how you eat says it all”

This is the crux of Roth’s message. After years of many highs and lows in both her weight and emotional state, she decided to give up the struggle with food and her body. She not only naturally fell to the right weight for her, she found her true self in the process.

Roth is not new to writing books or helping women conquer their issues with food. But for the first time the mainstream might be ready for what she has to say. Having Oprah’s endorsement is a major plus, but it helps that many women are tiring of the endless quest for the perfect weight, body and diet.

The concepts in Women Food and God, like food, take some time to digest and absorb. It’s the kind of book you want to read and then re-read. What one woman takes from it, another will completely miss. But this is what makes it such a wonderful and potentially life-changing read (and the perfect book club pick!).

The why of eating
Roth eloquently explains why there is more to overeating, weight problems and food obsessions than people think. (And if food or weight is not your issue, you can still relate what she says to almost any “obsession,” whether it be shopping, over-working, people pleasing or worrying. Men can enjoy this book too).

Obsessions about weight and food, Roth explains, take us away from our true selves:

“Compulsive eating is a way we distance ourselves from the way things are when they are not how we want them to be. I tell them that ending the obsession with food is all about the capacity to stay in the present moment. To not leave themselves.”

Of course there are differing degrees of eating for non-hunger reasons. One person may eat out of boredom or stress while another eats out of sheer dissatisfaction with life. Roth explains that when we learn to tolerate uncomfortable feelings, instead of trying to flee them, we become more in touch with our true selves. And the weight part takes care of itself:

“When you stop struggling, stop suffering, stop pushing and pulling yourself around food and your body, when you stop manipulating and controlling, when you actually relax and listen to the truth of what is there, something bigger than your fear will catch you.”

This bigger-than-your-fear is what Roth describes as God. She admits that God will mean different things to different people. Roth explains that the lessons learned from suffering, the same things we try desperately to hide from, is the gateway to love and holiness. And she believes our relationship with food can lead us there.

I often write about parents raising kids to have a healthy relationship with food by how they feed. But this book reminds me that teaching kids its okay to feel — and learn from — difficult feelings is also important.

How to eat
Towards the end of the book Roth discusses her “eating guidelines” which are not a set of strict rules but rather a very simplistic way to eat. The key is to eat with awareness and listen to your body (not your mind):

“When I first realized how simple it was to end the compulsion with food — eat what your body wants when you’re hungry, stop when you’ve had enough — I felt as if I had popped out of life as I knew it and suddenly found myself in another galaxy.”

When Roth first started eating whatever she wanted she ran to the very foods she wasn’t allowed to eat on many diets. In her sugar-induced state, she realized it wasn’t food she was looking for:

“I needed to prove to myself that what I wanted most was not forbidden, but what I didn’t understand was that I didn’t want the cookies; I wanted the way being allowed to have them made me feel: welcomed, deserving, adored.”

Roth says that when women stop listening to their minds, and start tuning into their bodies, they find it doesn’t want a bunch of cookies, cake, loaves of bread or salty foods. It wants to be nurtured with wholesome food. It wants to move. It needs sleep and self-care.

Moving away from diets and bodily perfection, ironically, make us healthier, stronger and inherently more beautiful.

I highly recommend this book to all women but realize it may not be for everyone. If you get the chance, tune into to Oprah today or record the show. Listening to Geneen Roth just might change your mind — and your life.

This Expert Interview is with Michelle Segar, PhD, MPH, researcher at the Institute for Research on Women and Gender at the University of Michigan. Her expertise is creating sustainable exercise motivation and self care for women. Learn more about her and her program at Michellesegar.com. You can also “like” her facebook page Smart Women Don’t Diet.

Sunday we celebrate moms. You might get flowers, a gift certificate or even a home cooked meal. But the absolute best gift you’ll get this Mother’s Day is the one you give to yourself.

While being a mom is incredibly rewarding, it’s easy to lose some of yourself in the process. You know, the old you that put you first. If you could get some of you back, wrapped up in a gift you could access anytime, wouldn’t you want it?

So I talked with my friend and colleague Michelle Segar, PhD, MPH, a women’s motivation psychologist at the University of Michigan, to figure out how moms can carve out a little time for themselves. She calls it “self care.” I call it smart.

What Gets in the Way?

Dr. Segar starts by discussing the barriers mothers face when it comes to making themselves a priority.

The first one is that moms have a lot on their plates. Even though most families (65%) have both parents working, moms still do a majority of the work around the house. According to the Second Shift study, husbands do about one-third the household chores and those tend to include home maintenance. Women tend to do the everyday chores like cooking, cleaning and keeping track of kids’ activities.

Another barrier, tied closely to the first, is that women don’t know how to ask for relief.

“Women haven’t been socialized to make taking care of themselves a priority,” says Segar. “We’re just not taught to think that way.”

Segar explains that most women never learned to consider their well-being as something that is important enough to plan and stand up for. They may feel bad saying “no” or simply don’t know the most effective way to approach their spouse or partner. Segar challenges us to consider why our own daily well-being shouldn’t be one of the most important things in our lives.

And the third barrier for moms is their tendency to focus a lot of their self-care energy on losing weight.

“So many women put their energy into getting thinner, again, and again, without seeing lasting results when instead they could be engaging in self-care activities that are more likely to nurture and restore and truly feed the self,” she says. “At its core, self-care is about feeling good.”

Segar explains that taking care of yourself is like an essential vitamin you take every day. It empowers and restores instead of zapping you of energy. Because of that, it makes you a more effective mom, friend and coworker.

So with this in mind, here are three steps you can take to start taking better care of you.

1. Pause. Segar suggests before taking any action you should you assess where you are first by asking yourself how you feel.

On scale of 1 to 5, 1 being terrible and 5 great, where do you stand? If it’s a 1 or 2 on a regular basis, then things aren’t going very well, but if you get a 4 or a 5, you’re probably getting your needs met.

If you’re not happy with the way things are you need to ask yourself if it’s time to change. Segar says that making the decision is the hardest part, but to remember that you DESERVE to feel good.

2. Decide what you want.
Once you decide there’s room for improvement, you’ll want to consider what it is you want to do.

“Take a step back and think about what self-care means to you,” say Segar. “Self-care means different things to different women whether it be sleep, pampering or going for a walk.”

Segar says every woman needs to check in with her own reality. For example, a women with 4 kids under 6 years old will be very strapped for time. Even though she can’t get everything she wants right now, she can try some key things that might improve her well-being in some way.

Segar advises moms to try taking action on a much smaller scale and see it makes them feel. Try something for 5 minutes if that is all the time you have. Did it make you feel better? She also says creating a “self-care mission” is important because it will help you make a plan. And let’s face it, without a plan things just don’t get done.

3. Negotiate with your partner.
Once you know what you want, you’ll have to talk to your partner and negotiate (if you have one).

“Be frank and honest and ask for what you need,” says Segar “But then make sure to ask your partner what he or she needs too.”

Even though you may feel your partner or spouse has it easier than you, they likely have unmet needs too. By addressing his or her desires, you make the discussion about both of you getting what you want. So instead of the typical get-no-where fight, you have a collaboration. And hopefully you both will feel excited about your new plan.

Segar goes as far as recommending you have regular meetings with your partner to check in and see how things are going. You might need to revise the plan based on what is and isn’t working.

So this Mother’s Day, I say forget the candy, flowers and other fancy gifts and start asking for what you really want and need. I know I will.

How are you feeling about motherhood? Overwhelmed? Having trouble finding time for you? Any success stories out there?

A couple of weeks ago nothing seemed to be working for me. The stress in my life became unmanageable so I utilized some strategies that clearly failed. I wrote about it in my guest blog for the Orlando Sentinel — Moms at Work Blog. I’m sure you can relate to how challenging it can be to get it all done. Especially with unpredictable (and cute) little ones running around.

As a mom, you don’t have to pay a lot of money for weight management advice. In fact, the best diet coaches just happen to be the same little ones running around your house.

Here are 3 things your kids can teach you about managing your weight:

1. Eat what you need: Young children are masters at regulating their food intake by getting exactly what they need. If kids graze on snacks all afternoon, for example, you can bet that they will barely touch their dinner.

Most adults have completely lost touch with their hunger and satiety cues. If this is you, make a point to tune in to how you feel at mealtime. Ask yourself if food is really what you need when you eat out of stress or boredom. Instead, eat when you are hungry and stop when satisfied. If you keep practicing, you’ll get better and better at it.

2. Enjoy life to the fullest: Young children need to be reminded to eat because they are so enthralled with life. Unfortunately, moms have so many responsibilities that they often forget what makes them feel alive. And when this happens, food can take on greater importance.

So make time for a hobby you love, call a friend to go out or reconnect with your spouse. Get back in touch with what you love about life and watch your desire to eat diminish.

3. Make physical activity fun: If you ever watch toddlers run and giggle you know how much enjoyment little ones get from being active. In fact, they hate to sit around when they could be moving. And they’re not picky about the “where” and “how” of physical activity.

Moms, on the other hand, feel like exercise is just another thing they have to get done. Instead of thinking of exercise in this way, look for pleasurable ways to be active. For example, turn on music at home and dance with your kids, chase them at the park and take time to walk and enjoy the view. See this article for more ideas.

The same things that can irritate you about your kids — picking at their meals, reminding them to eat and being active night and day — are the same things that can help you maintain a healthy weight. Not only can you learn from your kids, but you can remind yourself that you were like this when you were a child. And it might just be time to get some of the old you back.

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