I wrote a post for WebMD about nutrition myths and it got me thinking about feeding myths that plague families. I often say that if I didn’t know what I know, I would make many feeding mistakes (and I know my husband would). And it wouldn’t be because I’m a bad person, it would simply be based on myths about food and feeding that are pervasive in our culture.

So here are 8 feeding myths that hold parents back from feeding well and nourishing their children. For more specific nutrition myths see this post.

1. You have to be a good cook to feed your children well: I understand all too well what it’s like to enter parenthood with few cooking skills, scared to death that my preference for simple cooking would negatively reflect on my children. I asked my writing partner, Jill Castle, for some feedback and she mentioned this one, along with a couple of others listed.

“Moms think if they don’t know how to cook or have a limited repertoire of menu items that they are the reason their child doesn’t eat well or healthfully,” she says. “The truth is most kids like uncomplicated straightforward meals with minimal fuss–and they like to put them together themselves (and eat better when they do). ”

Hooray for simple cooks!

2. Eating is a two-step process: Dr. Kay Toomey, pediatric psychologist and Director of SOS Feeding Solutions, says eating for children is not a two step process (sit down/put in mouth) the way many parents believe. Learning to eat is actually quite complex with a steep learning curve. Pickier children, who tend to be more sensitive to food textures, may need as many as 32 steps (see below for examples) to happen before they are ready to put a food in their mouth!

Go here for more of Toomey’s myths.

3. Children shouldn’t play with their food or get messy: “The biggest myth I see that gets in the way of learning about food, is that we need to clean kids as we feed them: gigantic bibs, swiping their chin with the spoon, wiping away every bit of mess,” says Melanie Potock, feeding specialist and creator of My Munch Bug.

Like Toomey, Potock says kids need to experience food using their entire sensory system often before taking their first bite. This is how they learn about taste, temperature and texture of food. See more about the importance of playing with food in this helpful article.

4. Parents are to blame for picky eating: There is a tendency to blame parents for kids’ being selective with food. But according to a 2007 review article by Lucy Cooke, it’s a 50/50 proposition. That means about 50 percent of kids’ eating is genetic and the other 50 percent is their environment (the foods that become familiar to them), over which parents have the most control.

In fact, food neophobia (reluctance to try new foods) is not only a normal part of development (peaking from 2 to 6), it is highly genetically linked. So instead of trying to change your eater, which is a battle no one should engage in, take control of the home environment and let your child learn to like a variety at their own pace with positive encouragement and support.

5. Children naturally dislike healthy food: There is a common belief that children are born not liking healthy food. While children do prefer sweeter tastes and reject bitter ones, which is why they tend to be carb queens/kings and take a while to warm up to veggies, this is only part of the story.

The truth is most kids learn that eating healthy is not fun based on how they are fed. According to a 2007 study published in International Journal of Behavioral Nutrition and Physical Activity, after age 6 kids had a negative taste impression of healthy foods. Many of the children discussed the creative ways they were able to eat disliked vegetables that parents insisted they eat, such as squeezing their nose, eating the non-tasty food first or adding ketchup to the vegetables.

6. Children always have to eat at meals: Many parents believe that kids need to eat at every meal. This often leads to the mistake of only providing food that kids readily accept, increasing the shelf-life of picky eating.

It’s very normal for kids to eat very little (or not at all) at some meals and gorge at others. In fact, laboratory studies on young kids’ eating shows that even though calorie intake varies greatly from meal to meal, it’s surprisingly consistent from day to day.

7. Lean kids are healthy kids: In her private practice Castle often hears parents say, “well my child doesn’t have a weight problem” as justification for eating whatever they want, and that usually translates to too much empty-calorie food.

Despite the obesity statistics , most kids will not battle their weight. But eating well is not just about weight as smaller kids can have bad health and bigger kids can have good health. What’s really at stake is a child’s current and future relationship with food. Don’t we want all kids, regardless of weight, to enjoy good health and feed themselves well?

8. If you get food and nutrition right, you automatically raise a healthy child: While I’m reading a zillion research studies for Fearless Feeding, one review on responsive feeding said it best: “Nutritional recommendations that focus exclusively on food and ignore the feeding context may be ineffective, inadvertently encouraging parents to use nonresponsive, controlling behaviors, with little consideration to children’s contribution to feeding interactions.”

It takes much more than getting kids to eat healthy to raise healthy eaters. While What kids eat matters, so does understanding their developmental process and how best to instill eating confidence and a love of nutritious food. Join us on Our Fearless Feeding Facebook Community to discuss important issues.

Do any of these myths surprise you? Are there any you want to add?

References:

Black et al. Responsive feeding is embedded in a theoretical framework of responsive paring. The Journal of Nutr. 2011;141(3):490-494.

Cooke L. The importance of food exposure for healthy eating in children: review. J Hum Nutr Diet ;2007: 20;294–301

Zeinstra et al. Cognitive development and children’s perceptions of fruit and vegetables; a qualitative study. International Journal of Behavioral Nutrition and Physical Activity. 2007;, 4:30

I pretty much steer clear of guarantees when it comes to children’s eating.  But while sitting in on an educational session at the American Dietetic Association’s Food and Nutrition Expo — a big light bulb went off after hearing “Kids are dynamic and constantly changing.”

I knew this was true for kids’ eating but somehow hearing it struck a nerve — in a good way.

So here’s my guarantee: your child’s eating will change.  Depending on where your child is in their development, this may be a good thing, a not-so-good thing or something in-between.  And I’m going to tell you why it matters.

Being able to see past today is a sanity saver

No matter what feeding stage you are in, you were probably never taught to look beyond it.  If you’re focused on  what foods to feed your baby or how to handle picky eating, it can be all-consuming.  But looking ahead is not only vital to your child’s future eating habits, it’s important for your sanity.

Knowing that my reluctant-to-try-new-foods 5-year old is at the tail end of her food neophobic peak (2-6 years) helps me tremendously.  That means all the food exposure she’s getting now will translate to more and more food diversity in the not-so-distant future.  But if I thought she was going to be this way forever, this stage would be much tougher and no doubt our feeding interactions would suffer.    

Understanding that things will get better down the road doesn’t solve everything– you also need to anticipate the next major challenge so you can focus on prevention and be prepared.

Being prepared is half the battle

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but there is never going to be a time when you are free and clear of challenges when it comes to feeding.  That’s because kids’ brains and bodies are constantly changing — and they learn something different at each stage. 

Much of the advice given on this blog such as providing regular meals and snacks at the table, allowing children to choose whether and how much to eat and managing sweets wisely, helps prepare toddlers and preschoolers for the outside food influences they encounter during the school years.  After all, you will not always be there to tell your child how much to eat or what type of foods to choose.

Once children hit the school-age years, you’ll want to anticipate the I-want-to-get-away-from-my-parents teen stage by building on your child’s food independence skills.  I asked Jill Castle, expert pediatric dietitian and mother of 4 kids between the ages of 10 and 15, for some advice.

“Allow school-aged children the liberty to assemble snacks, pack lunch (with a template to guide), decode ads and images, and help with meal planning and preparation, ” she says. “Family-style meals, self serving and keeping in line with the Satter Division of Responsibility allow for test-driving independent food selection.”

Fortunately for us busy parents, preparing and preventing problems in the next stage helps us to do a better job today.

When you’re not prepared it’s worse

Diane Welland, MS, RD, author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Eating Clean, had a son who ate well from the very beginning and she had no reason to think it would ever change.  She was surprised when his eating habits took a complete nose dive in the teen years when he gained a new kind of independence that included a car!

“While I was not prepared for my son’s eating habits to change so drastically, I knew this is one way teens assert their independence and try to find themselves.” she says. “I understood why he was doing it and the fact that it was a phase but swallowing it from a mom/dietitian’s perspective is still hard to take.”

Diane tried her best to not force or nag her dietary habits on to her son, which wasn’t always easy.  Instead, she tried to focus on being a good role model and teaching her son by showing. 

“It’s the long term that counts — think of your child’s diet as a cycle with ups and downs,” she adds. “If this is a down period, hopefully, with time, it will go up again.”

Being unprepared for the next stage doesn’t always mean you did something wrong in the previous one, it’s just easier when you expect the challenges.  So if they don’t happen, or aren’t as bad as you thought, that’s even better.

Each feeding stage is linked

One of the reasons I don’t focus on one age-range for this blog is because all of the feeding stages are linked and that includes adulthood.  If you are struggling with feeding your child today, it can help to look back to what they learned, or didn’t learn, in a previous stage — and course correct if necessary. 

And it’s never too early to think about how what’s going on today affects your child’s eating tomorrow, ten years from now and into adulthood.

Soon, I’ll be announcing a new project that I’m working on to help parents navigate feeding kids of all ages with more ease and confidence, so stay tuned. 

What worries you the most about your kids’ eating future and are you doing anything to prepare for it?  Or are you just trying to survive the here and now?

 I wrote this post as a participant in the Eat Better, Eat Together Balancing Act blog carnival hosted by MealsMatter and Dairy Council of California to share ways families everywhere can make time for family meals that include foods from all the food groups. A list of other registered dietitians and moms who are participating in the Balancing Act blog carnival will be listed at the bottom of this post or can be found at MealsMatter.

I’ve been cooking family dinners for a little over 3 years now. I’m not a natural cook or foodie, just a mom who wants to teach her children the value of family meals — and expose them to good tasting and nutritious food.

In that process, I’ve learned some important lessons. These lessons, that I’m listing as commandments, have helped me keep things in perspective, lessening the guilt and adding more enjoyment to every meal.

I don’t get it right every time, but I sure do try. Because guilt is one of the most de-motivating emotions out there — and parents certainly don’t need more of it.

1. Thou shall not compare yourself to others: It’s easy to compare your cooking to others’ and feel inferior. Just visit some top mommy food bloggers and you might get that feeling that you’re not doing enough.

When I start to feel inadequate, I remind myself that I’m in this race alone. I have my own preferences, cooking abilities and am doing the best that I can. I look back and remember how far I’ve come — and use those talented food bloggers for inspiration, not another way to feel guilty!

2. Thou shall value food exposure: Let’s be honest — it’s hard when children don’t eat what you cook. It’s enough to make any parent question his or her cooking abilities.

Stop.

Research shows that continued food exposure is the most effective strategy for increasing food variety in kids. So if your child doesn’t eat broccoli, again, feel good that they were exposed to it. With each time they see it — it makes that food familiar and more likely to be eaten in their future.

3. Thou shall care about thine own eating: I think it’s important to put more value on what the adults in the house eat. Hey, if my kids don’t eat veggies, at least my husband and I do — and that counts. And research shows kids eventually eat what their parents eat.

I’ve even started making my husband’s lunch after realizing that I’d been ignoring him. And guess what? It always come back empty!

4. Thou shall not make eating healthy boring: I always consider nutritionwhen making and planning meals but I’ve let go of the “shoulds.” The goal, instead, is to consider taste along with nutrition and learn to blend the two.

I used to serve steamed broccoli but realized I didn’t even like it. Now I roast it or sauté it in olive oil and garlic. They key is to make healthy tasty — and drop the boring standard nutrition fare.

5. Thou shall drop the food agenda: Having kids help you in the kitchen and saying “yum” really loud while eating green beans are all fine if you’re doing it for the right reasons. In her books Ellyn Satter always says kids can smell an agenda a mile away — and I think she’s right.

Whenever we do something to get our kids to eat, they can see right through us, and tend to rebel. Make it a habit to check in with your real reasons for doing something — and when it comes to feeding, keep your eye on the prize.

6. Thou shall not blame thyself for picky eating: When I see a kid my daughter’s age eat the very foods she shuns, those negative voices pop up:

“Maybe there’s more I could be doing?”

“His mother must be a natural in the kitchen.”

“She –” (I try to stop at this point)

I remind myself that much of kids’ eating, including their fear of new foods, is inherited, age appropriate and different for every child. Yes, parents have great influence over their child’s eating but each person learns at their own pace.

After all, how your kid eats at 30 is a better indicator of the job you did feeding, than how they eat at 5.

7. Thou shall not fix it if it isn’t broken: I was talking to a friend who was saying she should change things up in the kitchen.

Her: I see what all those moms are doing and it makes me feel guilty — I should try new recipes and meals

Me: Do you serve a variety of food?

Her: Yes.

Me: Is your cooking low stress?

Her: Yes, it’s only three of us — and my daughter has really stepped up the eating since starting kindergarten.

Me: Maybe there’s nothing to fix.

Her: You think?

Me: Yes. Try new meals if you want to, but don’t do it out of guilt.

8. Thou shall plan meals ahead: Nothing makes me feel guiltier than starting to cook a meal only to find the main ingredient missing or having to run back to the store all week long.

Bottom line: When do a good job of planning meals for the week, everything seems to goes better.

9. Thou shall take time off: We all need a break from the grind of feeding. Whether it be date nights, takeout on those stressful days or opting for the easy meal, little breaks from cooking — and feeding kids — is essential.

I’ve come to know those days that I just can’t cook — and I don’t feel guilty for it because the next day I’m back stronger and better.

10. Thou shall remember that meals are about connection: When all is said and done, and the meal is on the table, or you’re staring at your beautiful baby getting ready to spoon feed him, feeding is really about connection.

I can honestly say that I’ve had the most memorable times feeding my kids. Just yesterday morning at breakfast Little D was saying his numbers, making us all crack up. One, Two, Thee, Sik, Nine, Even. He was purposely messing them up to make us laugh.

When my kids are out of the house, I won’t remember the work or stress it took to make meals happen. Surely, the memories of uneaten meals will fade.

What I’ll remember is the connection it allowed me to have with them — laughing, talking, singing and watching those beautiful faces change as the years go by. When I look at it this way, being the perfect cook and taking the emotional hits that go along with feeding pale in comparison.

How about you? Are you able to enjoy family meals or is the guilt getting the best of you?

Don’t stop here! Other bloggers share their stories and tips on how they juggle the balancing act of getting a well-balanced meal on the table!

10 Commandments for Guilt-Free Feeding – Maryann Tomovich Jacobsen, MS, RD
Beating the Lunch Box Blues – Katie Sullivan Morford, MS, RD
Dinner Time – Michelle Rowe, RN and Health Educator
Eat Better, Eat Together– Jessica Fishman Levinson, MS, RD, CDN
Family Dinners Fuel Healthier Kids – Susan Weiner, RD, MS, CDE, CDN
Families that Cook Together Eat Together – Kia Robertson
Making Time for Family Meals: How I’ve Earned My “RDH” – Trina Robertson, MS, RD
Meal Planning: Taking the Stress Out of the ‘What’s for Dinner’– Laura Everage
Pressed for Time? Moms Know Best: Tips for Getting Food on the Table – FAST! – Samantha Lewandowski, MS, RD, LDN
Roasted Cinnamon Apple Oatmeal – Cheri Liefeld
Sunday Night Family Dinner, In the Dining Room – Jill Castle, MS, RD, LDN 
The Balancing Act – Ann Dunaway Teh, MS, RD, LD
The Power of Family Meal Time & How to Squeeze It In! – Bridget Swinney MS, RD, LD
The Truth About Family Dinner – Sally Kuzemchak, MS, RD
Toughen up: Give Two Choices for Dinner – Take it or Leave it! – Glenda Gourley

Every day Maria served her 5-year-old son the same old thing for lunch. While it was decently healthy — a turkey sandwich with some fruit — she knew his variety was lacking.

Every time she tried something different he threatened her with ”I won’t eat it.” Working out of fear, she resolved herself to making turkey sandwiches.

What Maria didn’t realize was that her son was holding her hostage when it came to food. He threatened not to eat certain items and she gave in. The result? This kid was allowed way too much control over what he ate and his picky eating was getting worse, not better.

4 words that make kids rebel
Most kids start out life eating what we give them — and once they transition to finger foods it’s even better, although messier. Take them to a restaurant and just chop up what you’re having. Steam some veggies, cut them up, and watch then go at it.

This is bliss for any parent.

Around the age of two, but sometimes not until they are a bit older, when growth slows and kids become more mentally aware, they get selective and start refusing some of the food that is offered — and it drives parents crazy.

This is when many of the food battles start. Parents often respond to kids saying they don’t want to eat with 4 words: “Oh yes you will!” Often followed up with, “or else you won’t get X.” And often X is some food that they really want to eat.

This makes the mealtime dynamic a hostile one — and kids naturally rebel. Eating no longer becomes about hunger, fullness and enjoyment but who will get their way. The struggle for power is constantly in play — and nobody wins.

5 words that keep kids and parents stuck
Parents instinctively know food battles are not good — and may give in to their child’s demands. So in this case, instead of fighting with their child, the parent responds with the 5 words: “What else do you want?”

Or in other cases, the parent may stop offering new or previously refused foods and simply makes items that they know their kid will eat. This gives children little opportunity to expand their palate — and it leaves both the parent and child stuck.

So what’s a parent to do?

6 words that get kids eating (or at least changes the dynamic)
When Big A isn’t happy with the meal or snack I’ve prepared she sometimes tries to hold me hostage.

“I won’t eat that,” she says. And I say six words that instantly change the dynamic: “You don’t have to eat it.”

This usually calms her down, reminding her she has some choice in the matter. And if she’s hungry she’ll eat at least something of what I’m offering.

Honor kids’ food preferences without catering
As I’ve written before on this blog, you don’t have to choose between foods your kid likes and foods they don’t like. You can provide both and make everyone happy.

Children do better with eating when they feel like their food preferences are being honored. But this is very different from catering to them. Let your child know that you will provide the foods they like throughout the week but that you will also be serving other foods.

When Big A wants (shall I say demands) cereal every morning I tell her that “we don’t eat the same thing every day, but we’ll have cereal again soon.” And then I remind her that she gets to decide whether or not to eat it.

It’s important to remember that without a bargaining chip, a child can’t hold you hostage. The truth? Kids don’t have to eat the same amount (or at all) at every meal — this is the biggest myth around.

Bottom line: when it comes to feeding, take control of what you can — the food that is offered in a pleasant environment — and let go of the rest.

How do you deal with it when your child tries to hold you hostage?

We were out at our favorite Mexican restaurant when the conversation at the next table caught my ear. A young boy, probably about 4, had only eaten half of his rolled taco and declared he was full.

“You have half of it left, look at all that meat inside,” the mom said. “Finish it!”

The boy went on to finish the rolled taco and the dad chimed in with “I’m proud of you, son.”

What these parents didn’t realize was that they are teaching their son that his fullness doesn’t matter — and that eating more is better.

Do parents really want kids to eat like adults?
I understand why these parents did what they did. I’m sure the boy, like a lot of 4 year olds, doesn’t eat many protein foods so the mom feels better even when he eats items like rolled tacos. He probably has days he barely eats and days he eats a lot — they want his eating to be more “normal.”

The problem with normal eating, at least in this country, is that most people have difficulty navigating the current food environment without over-eating.

Yet most kids do well naturally. Research show that kids under 5 regulate their intake very well. Food intake may vary greatly from meal to meal, but young children are masters at getting the right amount of food for their bodies.

That is, if parents served balanced meals and allow children to be in charge of how much they eat.

Why it’s so hard to raise an intuitive eater
I’m the first to admit that raising an intuitive eater is hard. Society tends to accept the story above — it’s pretty commonplace for parents to get kids to eat more, or less if it’s unhealthy fare. According to a 2007 study published in Appetite, 85% of parents they try to get their child to eat more at mealtime by using reasoning, praise and food rewards.

The biggest challenge, I believe, is the psychological one. As parents we want so badly to nourish our kids that we often get lost in that desire. We fail to see the big picture and the negative consequences that our actions can have over the long-term.

I work hard to make sure my 4-year old (Big A) has an appetite for meals at home. But when we go other places, like out to dinner with friends or parties, she often snacks on what I call “appetite killers.”

When this happens — and it’s finally time to sit down to dinner she usually takes a few bites (or none at all) and is done. People often give me the look that says, “You’re going to let her get away with that?!”

But if I make her eat more of the meal, what am I teaching her? It’s better to over-eat? I do talk to her, ahead of time, about saving her appetite for the meal. And when she says she’s done I make sure to ask her if she’s full.

The bottom line: I make a point to honor her hunger and fullness, even the times I’m disappointed she didn’t eat better, because I want her to grow into an adult who does the same.

Use your kids’ eating behavior as a mirror
We are role models for our kids…they are watching us. Big A will usually come up to me and ask, “Why did you stop eating ice cream.” or “why aren’t you eating.” And I tell her it’s because I’m satisfied or preserving my hunger for the meal.

How often do you fill up on food when out, only to go and finish your meal anyway? Maybe these little kids are on to something.

While kid’s eating-behavior can drive us crazy, the emotion it stirs in us can be used as a mirror to what’s really going on. Maybe we are too controlling with our own diet or eat past fullness and ignore our body’s signals?

Either way, we need to remember that we live in a crazy food environment where single food (restaurant) portions are big enough to feed a family of 4 — and appetite killers are everywhere.

We need, more than ever, to preserve kids’ natural ability to regulate food — and to adopt this approach ourselves. We’ll be much better equipped for eating well in the modern world. And if enough people do it, maybe portions (and appetite killers) will shrink too. I can dream, can’t I?

So tell me, how do you handle your child’s ever changing appetite? Any challenges?

References
Orrell-Valente et al. “Just three more bites”: an observational analysis of parents’ socialization of children’s eating at mealtime. Appetite. 2007;48 (1):37-45

I wrote this post as a participant in the Eat, Play, Love blog carnival hosted by Meals Matter and Dairy Council of California to share ideas on positive and fun ways to teach children healthy eating habits. A list of other registered dietitians and moms who are participating in the carnival will be listed at the bottom of this post or can be found on Meals Matter. Don’t miss the free Webinar on May 18th as we talk about the fundamentals for raising healthy eaters. I’ll be speaking along with Janet Helm, RD, Jill Castle, MS, RD and Andrea Garen, MA, RD. It will be a feeding bonanza!

If there’s one thing that I’ve learned since starting this blog two years ago and becoming a mom, it’s that I don’t have all the answers. I can’t give you the exact formula for turning kids into healthy eaters. But I can, as Oprah says, tell you what I know for sure.

There’s one very under-rated strategy for increasing the chances that your child will grow into an adult who eats well. And by well, I mean someone who eats a balanced diet, eats the right amount of food for their body type, eats sweets in moderation, prepares meals for themselves and is healthy because of it.

What’s the secret?

It has nothing to do with starting them young or hiding veggies or any of the stuff you always hear about. Instead, it’s keeping your eye on the prize and not wavering.

Short term vs. long term
When it comes to feeding, parents have two areas to focus on — short term needs and long term goals. The first, is making sure your kids are fed and meeting their nutritional needs. No doubt this is important. But if you use how our children are eating today as a testament to how you are doing as a feeder, you are likely to be miserable and guilt ridden a lot of the time.

In fact, this pressure to get kids to eat perfectly is what leads to many feeding mistakes. Parents are more likely to pressure kids to eat certain foods or give up entirely. I recently met a mom of a four-year-old who was on the brink of giving up on her child’s eating. (I gave her a really quick pep talk and thankfully she changed her mind).

But if you can keep your focus on the second area, the long-term goal, it changes the game. You will be less tempted to do things to get your children to eat healthy today, but have negative effects long-term. (For more on strategies that back-fire long term, see this post.) In other words, you need to check in with your daily feeding rituals to make sure they are in line with your long-term goal.

Case Study
Maureen K Bligh, MA, RD, is a registered dietitian and mom of two teenage boys, 17 and 18. She remembers all too well what it was like when they were younger and wouldn’t eat meat, rice or veggies (or any mixed dish), but they did eat fruit, milk and bread.

Maureen recalls viewing a video from Ellyn Satter, before having kids, that made a lasting impression. The video showed 5 scenarios of parents forcing kids to eat food and she couldn’t believe her eyes. Her takeaway: “If you force kids to eat they won’t choose to eat those foods in the long run.”

Even though Maureen was not picky when she was a kid — she had two boys that were. And she knew exactly what to do.

She followed the Division of Responsibility of feeding, letting her children decide what and whether to eat of what she decided to serve. Dinner was the toughest meal, as it is with many children, and she made sure to serve it family style, encouraged a pleasant environment, and as a result, heard many, “No thank you mommy, not tonight,” responses.

“I served milk, fruit and bread with each meal,” she adds. “I figured that way they were not going to die.”

When asked if it was difficult she said, “Not really.” It was clear she believed in what she was doing and trusted that one day her children would branch out in the food department.

Then that day came. Her eldest and most picky son, around the age of 8, said four words that made her do the happy dance on the inside: “I’ll have the broccoli.” Maureen says this was the start of his gradually trying more foods, which really took off during middle school.

“I know the experts say it takes 10-15 tries before kids learn to like a food,” she points out. “But I think it takes many more times for some kids, at least that’s how it worked for mine.”

But most importantly her kids will now try anything, are fit, regulate their intake well, eat a variety of foods (from all the food groups) and really seem to value family meals.

Expectations, beliefs and trust about kids’ eating matter
Most parents believe their kids will learn to read novels, drive cars and do other things adults do every day. But when it comes to eating, many lack the same confidence that their kids will eventually learn to eat well. That’s probably why there is so much pushing and giving up and outright frustration about children’s eating.

Maureen admits that if she had not been prepared, or had the right information, she may have been more pushy with her kids’ eating. Instead she kept her eye on the prize – and believed that, using the division of responsibility, eventually her kids would, of their own volition, choose to eat healthy foods – and it has paid off.

Yet Maureen makes it clear that life at home isn’t perfect. Her boys eat more fast food than she would like and deal with peer pressure when it comes to eating. “It’s still a leap of faith in many respects,” she admits.

Yet she is reminded that her children always return to the foundation of healthy eating she has spent years building in her home. When her youngest son was being hassled for having a dietitian mom he responded, “I like it, mom. I like that you feed us healthy food.”

No doubt you will weather many storms when it comes to your kids’ eating because they are in the process of learning — and have a lot of mistakes to make. I certainly don’t love it when my four-year-old responds to an unfamiliar dinner at a friend’s house with, “Do you have any ice cream?”

I know that for her, ice cream (vanilla) always tastes the same and satisfies. The day will come when she eats more of the food in front of her. The belief and trust that my daughter will grow into a good eater is so strong, that it keeps me going, even on the worst days.

How do you keep perspective when it comes to feeding your kids?

Don’t miss the free Webinar: Eat, Pray, Love: Raising Healthy Eaters on May 18th.

Don't stop here! Join the carnival and read other Eat, Play, Love blogs from dietitians and moms offering the best advice on raising healthy eaters. And if you don't get enough today, for more positive, realistic and actionable advice from registered dietitian moms, register for the free, live webinar Eat, Play, Love: Raising Healthy Eaters on Wednesday, May 18.

Feeding is Love, Jill Castle, MS, RD, LDN
5 Quick Ways to Prepare Veggies with Maximum Flavor, Dayle Hayes, MS, RD
The Art of Dinnertime, Elana Natker, MS, RD
Children Don’t Need a Short Order Cook, Christy Slaughter
Cut to the Point – My Foodie Rules, Glenda Gourley
Eat, Play, Love – A Challenge for Families, Alysa Bajenaru, RD
Eat, Play, Love ~ Raising Healthy Eaters, Kia Robertson
Get Kids Cooking, Jessica Fishman Levinson, MS, RD, CDN
Kid-Friendly Kitchen Gear Gets Them Cooking, Katie Sullivan Morford, MS, RD
Kids that Can Cook Make Better Food Choices, Glenda Gourley
Making Mealtime Fun, Nicole Guierin, RD
My No Junk Food Journey – Want to Come Along? , Kristine Lockwood
My Recipe for Raising Healthy Eaters: Eat Like the French, Bridget Swinney MS, RD, LD
Playing with Dough and the Edible Gift of Thyme, Robin Plotkin, RD, LD
Picky Eaters  Will Eat Vegetables, Theresa Grisanti, MA
Raising a Healthy Eater, Danielle Omar, MS, RD
Putting the Ease in Healthy Family Eating, Connie Evers, MS, RD, LD
Raising Healthy Eaters Blog Carnival & Chat Roundup, Ann Dunaway Teh, MS, RD, LD
Soccer Mom Soapbox, Sally Kuzemchak, MS, RD
Teenagers Can Be Trying But Don’t Give UpDiane Welland MS, RD
What My Kids Taught Me About Eating Mindfully, Michelle May, MD

I kept hearing about this book until I finally bought it one day at the bookstore. After reading the first chapter, I knew I had to share it with you.

NurtureShock: New Thinking About Childrenwill force you to reevaluate your thinking about parenting. As a busy mom I sometimes find myself overwhelmed and doing things because others are doing them. And that’s not a good reason to do ANYTHING.

If you’ve read this blog for a while you know that I like to keep up on the research of feeding and nutrition. This is not because research gives me black and white answers (I wish), but it gives important clues. And as I mention in this article, what seems like the logical thing to do with feeding our kids can have negative consequences. But what about other aspects of parenting? Is the same true?

Nurture Shock reveals new research that not only challenges modern-day parenting practices but question old practices as well. It’ll make you think and second guess some of the decisions you make. Let me show you what I mean:

Praise, praise, praise – how many times do you tell your child “good job” or “you are so smart?” According to the book, 85% of parents do this — all the time! The authors demonstrate with research and stories, how labeling kids as “smart” actually causes them to under-perform and lack confidence as they grow up. (Good thing I was never labeled as “smart.”)

Not making a big deal out of lying –To be honest, I haven’t thought about lying much. Big A, who is 4, will lie to get out of sticky situations, usually involving her little brother. I feel like this is typical and she will grow out of it but this book tells a different story. I was amazed at their stats — 96% of kids lie.

The authors argue that the better — and sooner — a young child can tell the difference between a “lie” and the “truth” the less likely he or she will grow up lying. And simply punishing kids is not the answer because it does not teach them the difference.

Teaching your young child to talk by talking: My son has been much slower to talk than my daughter was. I had always heard that talking to a child was key to getting them to talk. I took this up a notch with my son by using books and overwhelming my poor child.

What I learned in this book is similar to what I have learned in my son’s speech therapy. While talking around a child does help, there are other strategies that help even more. Following their interests with words, responding quickly to every sound that comes out of their mouths and repeating single words over and over. The book offers up intriguing research and tips that I wish I had read earlier.

Keeping kids busy to keep them out of trouble: Many older kids are over-scheduled and busy. They go from one activity to the next with parents or caregivers driving them everywhere. There is the notion that these busy schedules help keep kids out of trouble. While this may be partially true, there may be a downside to all of this activity.

According to the authors, too much time with peers may increase aggression in adolescence:

“The average teen spends sixty hours per week surrounded by a peer groups (and only sixteen hours a week surrounded by adults). This has created the perfect atmosphere for a different strain of aggression-virus to breed — one fed not by peer rejections, but fed by the need for peer status and social ranking. The more time peers spend together, the stronger this compulsion to rank high, resulting in the hostility of one-upmanship.”

Discounting the importance of sleep: The authors point out how kids today get about an hour less sleep than they did 30 years ago. Yet according to one survey in the book, 90% of parents think their kids are getting enough sleep. The authors point to how this lack of sleep negatively effects behavior, intelligence (IQ), memory and weight. Part of the problem: most schools start way too early.

The book also details innovate ways to help preschoolers and kindergartners learn more effectively, the truth about sibling rivalry, why it’s wrong to choose gifted kids too early, how we promote racism by not talking about it, surprising reasons for teen rebellion and many other thought-provoking topics.

I think this is a must-read for parents and not because I believe it is all fact, but because it will cause you to take a closer look at your own parenting. And that is always a good thing.

Anyone else read the book?

Welcome to our new monthly series, Parents of Picky Eaters Unite. I will post on the last Friday of every month. I welcome other bloggers to write on this topic and leave their link below. You don’t have to post on the same day I do — anytime follwing it is fine. Let’s laugh, learn and get through this stage with a little support from each other.

Big A, who is 4 years old, prefers carbohydrate-rich foods to anything else. Check out exhibit A: the hamburger.

As the picture shows, she picks at the bread part and rarely eats the meat (I think the bite taken out of it was my husband’s!). One time she actually put meat in her mouth but it came right out.

The funny thing? When you ask if she wants a hamburger (hangerbur to her), she always says yes. In fact, she often says that she loves them.

Now check out exhibit B: the Quesadilla.

While she sometimes eats the beans and cheese inside, she often picks at just the tortilla. (Actually, I started making quesadillas in addition to burritos so it’d be harder for her to take apart — but she found a way!). And guess what she does with pizza? Eats the crust only.

At her birthday party a friend came up to me asking, somewhat concerned, “Does Anna like pizza?” I told her, “she ate some — look,” as I hold up a crust-eaten piece.

What’s behind this? Is Big A doing this just to push my buttons? I don’t make an issue out of it, so I don’t think so. By calling attention to something like this we end up enforcing the behavior we don’t want. Truth be told, Big A doesn’t know she’s picky.

Carb-rich foods like bread and tortillas are easy for young kids to like. They are still energy-rich and don’t overwhelm the taste buds. Their texture is also very consistent — which is why some kids only eat the bread when faced with a new or different meal. As Big A slowly gets out of her fear of food stage, she will eat more and more of these foods. For more on this normal part of development, see this article.

The good news! If I make a big deal and make Big A eat the meat/beans part of the meal, she may come to dislike it. And as of now, she loves quesadillas, hamburgers, burritos and other protein foods like salmon. This is part of her learning process. I’m excited because Anna has a new-found interest in spinach and wants it on her plate when we have it for salad. “I love spinach” she says. But she rarely takes a bite.

As parents we have to be able to see the process of learning about foods unfold in front of us. I admit that at least for Big A, this process is much, much slower that I’d like it to be. And no doubt it’s frustrating. Some days I see huge leaps, other days regression, but mostly it’s itsy, bitsy steps like her showing interest in a new food.

Do I worry? Since right before Big A turned 4, this no protein thing has intensified. So yes, I worry about her getting enough key nutrients from protein-rich foods like iron and zinc. She will eat eggs (French toast), is a huge milk drinker, cheese, meatballs and beans (those last two are sometimes foods) and she has been seen taking a bite of a turkey sandwich. I also have a multivitamin with iron that I give her on days she doesn’t eat iron-fortified foods or much iron-rich foods. We’ll talk more about this in my Kids’ Nutrition Series.

Can I do anything? I think the toughest part of the Division of Responsibility is that parents feel like they aren’t doing anything. And if there is one thing I’ve learned about feeding kids — not interfering with your kids eating is very, very hard. I often encourage Big A to try everything and leave it at that, then we talk about other things. When she says she’s done I ask her what her tummy says and let her know when the next meal is, then I accept the answer.

We talk about eating (and trying) a variety of food at non-mealtimes. And I engage her in the process of food from helping me choose food at the grocery store to preparing meals.  And even though she’s not eating the variety of food I would like, she has a positive outlook on a variety of food — a precursor to actually eating that way. And she does a great job of regulating her food intake. A small dinner is often followed by a bigger breakfast and vice versa.

So tell me, am I the only one? Any carb queens or kings out there? Or should I say princesses and princes? Are you able to see the small steps your child makes in learning to like new foods?

Bloggers, if you get inspired to inlcude your story leave the link below!

I broke down sobbing at my daughter’s pediatrician when she was 4 weeks old. She had lost interest in breastfeeding and the good doctor confirmed what I already knew: she was not gaining enough weight.

We struggled through each feeding — and I still couldn’t get my arms around how something so natural could be so painstakingly difficult. I was learning an important lesson in motherhood: feeding my child would take more time, energy and emotional investment than I had ever imagined.

She wouldn’t take the breast and I wanted her to — and therein lies the struggle.

We got through this first crisis thanks to a pump and sheer determination on my part. But the fear that my child wasn’t getting enough to eat, or the right nutrition, would continually rear its ugly head and tempt me to feed in ways that are counterproductive for my kids.

The questions every parent asks
Ultimately every parent asks themselves the following questions: Is my son getting enough to eat? Is my daughter getting too much to eat? Is my son meeting his nutritional needs?

When these questions are confirmed with a low or high body weight, certain food groups that are left uneaten, barely touched meals for days or plates wiped clean with begging for more, the panic sets in.

It’s almost like parents (especially moms) have an alarm that goes off when their child’s eating gets off kilter.

Not getting the right answer
Ultimately when feeding goes wrong we find ourselves in the position I was in at the pediatrician’s office: in search of answers. When I asked the doctor what to do she said to give formula. And that was not the right answer. For me.

You see, I had already done my research. I knew that if I supplemented with formula that my milk supply would go down. But my doctor was trying to save me the time of pumping and even tried to tempt me with more sleep. But I didn’t care about sleep — I just wanted to save our breastfeeding relationship. If I did everything I could, and it still didn’t work out, then I would give formula.

Think of all the not-so-helpful answers you get when you inquire about your child’s eating:

“He’s fine, all kids are picky”

Doesn’t help.

“He’ll grow out of his weight — did you see pictures of me when I was a kid?”

Doesn’t help.

“Don’t worry about it — he won’t starve.”

Really doesn’t help.

One of the reasons these questions arise in the first place is parents are not prepared for feeding. We are usually told to give “kids a healthy start” and “breastfeeding is best” but this advice doesn’t always translate to the real world. Like a lot of pregnant women I spent my time agonizing over my baby registry and the birth itself instead of the thing that would consume me for years after the birth — nourishing my child.

Following intuition doesn’t always work
Without the right preparation and answers to feeding problems, parents make decisions on their own. But what I have found with feeding is that what seems like the right answer at face value often is not. Once you dig in and find all the information, the right answer is usually counterintuitive. Here are some examples:

Your baby/toddler all of a sudden eats less at meals and you immediately offer something else. A better strategy? Because growth slows around 1 year children may not be as hungry, feed regular meals and snacks but let them decide how much to eat.

Your toddler in preschool is a picky eater so you put pressure on them at mealtime. A better strategy? Because pressure makes kids less interested in eating, make mealtimes pleasant and not about what and how much they are eating.

You child has a low weight so you let them graze and eat whenever they seem slightly hungry. A better strategy? Grazing on food means kids never get hungry.  Feed them at regular intervals so they have an appetite for meals (and eat better).

Your school-aged child is obsessed with sweets so you limit them and keep a very tight control when eaten. A better strategy?  Because restricting feeding practices are associated with eating more and increased weight, keep the structure of regular meals at the table but let your child decide how much to eat so they get back in touch with their hunger and fullness cues.

The weight of your school-aged child or teen drops, and you say nothing in the hope that it’s just a stage and will get better on its own. A better strategy? Because early detection means the best chance of success, seek help right away to rule out a possible eating disorder.

Being prepared
Each of the series I’ve written is aimed to help prepare and educate you on feeding, so you can make the best decisions for your family. They include: Meal Planning, Eating Disorder Prevention, Picky Eating and Managing Sweets.

My next series, very timely with National Nutrition Month coming in March, is on Kids’ Nutrition. I believe it’s important for parents to have a basic understanding of their child’s nutritional needs at different stages.

A good understanding of how a variety of foods, and supplements if needed, meet kids’ growing needs can keep that alarm from going off.

So if you have a friend struggling with feeding, send this along. And if you have an idea for a series or article, leave it in the comments.

We’ve covered a lot in our managing sweets series — the culture of eating, how kids become sweets-obsessed, real life success  stories and the science of sugar.  

Yet despite all this information, the reality is managing sweets in an overly-sweet world is challenging, to say the least.  But with the right strategies and mindset, it is possible to have the best of both worlds without compromising health.

So we are ending this series with 10 positive things you can do to raise children who have a healthy relationship with sweets.

Part 1: Lower your child’s sweet threshold. Sweet taste begets sweet taste.  If children sip on super sweet beverages and foods all day it will take even more sweetness to satisfy them. 

1. Reconsider sugar-sweetened beverages: The 20% increase in sugar over the past 40 years is primarily due to sugar-sweetened beverages.   Yes, soda is one of them but so are energy drinks, juice drinks and coffee drinks (See this post for the different between juice drinks and 100% juice).

To give you an idea of the added sugars in sweetened beverages (each teaspoon of sugar contains 5g of sugar) consider this: one tall Caramel Macchiato from Starbucks contains 35g of sugar (some of it natural sugar from milk), a 12 oz can of soda has 39g of sugar and natural drinks like Capri Sun and Honest Kids have 15g and 10g respectively.

One of the downsides to liquid calories is that the body doesn’t register them the same way it does solid calories.  In a 2000 study published in the International Journal of Obesity two groups of young people were given an extra 450 calories from either liquids or solids (jelly beans).  While the jelly bean group compensated by eating less, the liquid-calorie group not only ate more food but also gained weight.

2. See how low you can go: I regret the day I gave my daughter sweetened yogurt because the next time I served her plain she refused.  When possible, keep your child on everyday foods that are as close to natural as possible — saving the sweets for “desserty” type foods.

But as I mentioned in my last post, adding sugar to nutrient-dense foods can improve the diet quality of children.  So experiment with different products and recipes that offer maximum taste with as little added sugars as possible. Some parents will add a little chocolate syrup to their child’s milk or honey to plain yogurt. 

Remember to check the grams of sugar and ingredient lines in different products.  Don’t miss our list of lower sugar yogurts and cereals.

3. Spoil your child’s palate: No doubt your child will be faced with lots of overly-processed sweet foods throughout their life.  But at home, you can up the ante by thinking twice about bringing these foods in your home and, instead, provide homemade desserts, wholesome treats and dark chocolate (my personal favorite).

The idea is for kids to appreciate, and even become picky about the kind of sweets they enjoy.  I know that this has happened to me over the years. If after one bite I don’t truly enjoy something sweet, I don’t continue.  And knowing I have to make my own chocolate chip cookies to truly be satisfied means it doesn’t happen as often. 

Part 2: Level the food playing field by treating sweets like “just another food we eat:” Treating sweets like the be-all-end-all or the bad, forbidden fruit brings too much attention to these foods piquing kids interest even more.

4. Stay neutral when it comes to sweets:  While it’s not always possible to stay totally calm when it comes to kids and sweets, try your best to stay neutral and matter-of-fact.  Here are examples of non-neutral vs. neutral behavior:

Non neutral: A 3-year old brings a bag of candy home from Valentine’s Day.  The parent takes it and puts it on the counter.  In the morning the parent finds the child with the stash eating like crazy and yells: “What are you doing?  You don’t eat candy without asking!!? The parent takes it away and says they can’t have anymore.  The child is crying and yelling: “I want my candy!” 

Neutral: Same scenario as above but instead of reacting the parent informs the kid (in a calm voice) that there is a time and a place for candy but it is not before breakfast.  The parent gently plies the bag from the kid’s hands and lets them know they will get some for snack time later.

5. Serve dessert with dinner: ”The most helpful advice I’ve found is often the hardest for families, and that is to serve a child-sized portion of dessert WITH the meal, but no seconds on dessert. ” says feeding expert Dr. Katja Rowell from Family Feeding Dynamics.  ”It really does neutralize it, and also puts all the food on a level playing field.”

Rowell explains that kids are likely to eat dessert first for awhile but they eventually learn to enjoy and tune in to the entire meal without obsessing or fretting about what they have to eat, or how many bites will earn dessert. “There is data to suggest that bribing kids with dessert makes them less likely to enjoy new foods, and that’s certainly what I’ve seen.”

One of our readers wrote in with her success with this strategy: “I have noticed that if I go ahead and add a small sweet to their dinner plates, both of my girls will eat a more balanced meal instead of ‘holding out’ for dessert,” says Ramona, a mom of two young girls.

6. Assure kids they can have more another time: According to a 2002 study published in Abnormal Psychology, restrained eaters who were told they were going to be on a diet soon ate significantly more food than those in the non-diet group. 

Children who feel deprived feel this way too.  When they aren’t sure when they’ll get sweets again, they often eat past the point of satisfaction.  It’s the get-it-while-you-can phenomenon and is likely one of the reasons dieting is associated with weight gain over time.

The solution is surprisingly simple: remind kids they’ll have sweets again at a future date — and follow through with regular offerings in and outside the home.

Here are some examples:

Can I have cake, mama?  We usually have cake at birthday parties, the next one is Sarah’s coming soon.

Can I have a cookie?  Let’s have them for snack next week. Good idea!

Can I have ice cream (after dinner): You know, we had something sweet already today.  Let’s have ice cream another night.

7. Let them take the lead sometimes: I made chocolate cookies the other day and offered them at snack time — at the table.  My daughter ate two cookies and then said “more cookies please.”  I gave her one more cookie and after she finished she declared she was done and that she “could have more another time.”

In addition to assuring kids they will get sweets again, letting them have times they can eat until they are satisfied is important.  Feeding expert Ellyn Satter stresses this in her books as a way to avoid scarcity with eating and I have incorporated it into my feeding routine. 

This is very different from allowing kids to eat sweets whenever they want.  Instead, ask them to sit at the table, be present with food, and eat until they are satisfied.  Kids that feel deprived may eat past the point of satisfaction for a while but once they realize the treat is no longer scarce they’ll enjoy the food without feeling like they need to get it while they can.

Part 3: Teach children how to eat sweets in the real world: Here’s advice from three leading pediatric dietitians about guiding children to make smart choices in the real world.

8.  Talk frequency instead of good and bad: For younger children, teaching them that there are some foods we eat more often than others works well.  Angela Lemond, RD, certified pediatric dietitian who blogs over at Mommy Dietitian, explains.

“Instead of demonizing foods as “bad,” parents can explain to their children that high sugar, low nutrient foods are supposed to enjoyed only “sometimes” because they contain no lasting “super powers” that will help them (insert child’s favorite past time),” she says.  “Fill the house with healthier foods that are naturally sweet such as fresh, ripe fruit that is easy to grab and eat.”  

9.Teach older kids the 90/10 rule: Jill Castle, MS, RD, pediatric nutrition specialist who blogs over at Just the Right Byte,uses “the 90/10 rule” with her clients.  She teaches families that 90% of what kids eat in a day is good-for-you, growing foods (MyPyramid foods) and the other 10% are Fun Foods (sweets, “junk food” like chips/high fat, high sugary foods, soda, etc).  She says that for most kids, this ends up being about 100-200 calories per day or 1-2 Fun Foods.  

“The great thing is that the child can understand this concept, and I always make sure to tell them (and the parent) that they are in charge of choosing WHICH food will be their fun food, ” Castle says.  ”Then we role play different scenarios, like school, church, parties….this helps the child get ready to make decisions in the real world.”

10. Help them make the hunger connection: While parents often offer meals and snacks at certain intervals at home, the real world has food available 24/7.  Teaching kids they don’t need to eat simply because the food is there, like chips at the soccer game, is a valuable lesson.  

“When I’m talking to kids about hunger/fullness and dessert I always try to teach them that desserts aren’t “bad” but many times we eat dessert when we’re not hungry, after we’ve just finished a meal,” says Katie Mulligan, MS, RD, practicing pediatric dietitian who blogs over at Nurturing Nutrition.  “I teach kids that they can have cake, but instead of eating it right after dinner when your belly is full, how about waiting a few hours until you’re actually hungry or even have it the next day when you’re truly hungry for it?”

The missing link

I’ve been reading this book called, “Becoming the Parent You Want to Be.” What the authors said in the chapter on kids and discipline struck a chord with me:

” When children have been helped to make decisions based on empathy, understanding and their own critical thinking skills rather than on just what the “rule” says, they have a skill they can use in a multitude of different situations and carry with them for the rest of their lives”

I feel this way about sweets and other fun foods — we need to teach kids (and ourselves) the skills needed to balance all foods in the diet — not just healthy ones.  And we have to resist the temptation to teach kids the opposite: that they can’t be trusted around those foods (needless to say I’m not for banning sweets in schools). 

And Rowell reminded me that “Kids will be kids, and they have sweeter tastes than ours, so some whining, even if everything is going well is normal.”  Lemond also points out that, “kids are in the rapid growth phase and that’s why they crave sweets.”

I wish there was one proven way to manage sweets with growing kids but that isn’t the reality.  But hopefully this series has got you thinking of new and effective ways to handle the sweet stuff at home and in the real world.

Got a question about the sticky topic of sweets?  Leave them in the comments.

References:

Di Meglio DP, Mattes RD. Liquid versus solid carbohydrate: effects on food intake and body weight. 2000 June;24(6): 794-800.

Urbszat D, Herman CP, Polivy J. Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet: effects of anticipated deprivation on food intake in restrained and unrestrained eaters. J Abnormal Psychol. 2002 May; 111(2): 396-401.