I recently took Big A to the hairdresser, and, as usual, she didn’t want to get her hair washed. The hairdresser kept pushing it until I finally said, “Maybe there’s something we could entice you with, sweety.” While I was quickly brainstorming a reward, like a book, the hairdresser quickly chimed in with, “A lollipop — you can’t have a lollipop unless you get your hair washed.”

Before I could say anything Big A moved (more like sprinted) straight into the hair washing seat. As she was getting situated she got scared and told me she didn’t want to do it. The hairdresser said in a sing-songy voice, “Well, then you won’t get a lollipop.” And then Big A checked in with me: “Mom, can I still get a lollipop?”

“Yes, sweety,” I replied. The hairdresser glared at me, with a look of disbelief, and I told her that as a dietitian I can’t use food as a reward and then apologized.

What’s the big deal?
I touched on this topic of using food as a reward in my managing sweets series but I see it happening so often that it bears repeating. The truth? If I didn’t know what I know about nutrition, food and behavior, I would probably reward Big A with food. No doubt it would work. I’m sure she would do lots of things to get the sweet treats she loves — eat broccoli, do chores, be calm at the grocery store and even get her hair washed at the kid salon.

While I think a lot of parents know that using food as a reward isn’t the best strategy – they do it because it works in the short-term. As I discuss in my Best-Kept Secret to Raising Healthy Eaters, when we are short-term focused with feeding, we are more tempted to employ feeding strategies that are counter-productive for kids’ eating down the line.

We know from research that using palatable foods as a reward makes them even more appealing to kids. And on the opposite end, using healthy food as punishment, to get the reward, makes kids less interested in the healthy food.

But the real question, and the purpose of this post, is what does this do for kids’ relationship with food in the super long run?  You know, when they are adults making their own food decisions.

Kids who see food as a reward may turn into adults who seek food rewards
A 2003 study in Eating Behaviors, 122 adults were asked about their current eating habits along with their memories about food rules as kids. The adults who recall parents using food to control behavior through reward and punishment were more likely to use dietary restraint (restricting food practices such as dieting) and binge eat.

As a dietitian who has worked with adults for many years, I’ve seen how this plays out in adulthood. Many of the people struggling with eating and weight often see food as a reward for their hard work and stressful life. In fact, nights, when the busy day is finally done, seem to be the toughest. After dinner, people find themselves back at the fridge often grazing all night.

Is using food as reward or punishment during childhood the cause of this? No. While there is some research showing a link, this doesn’t prove cause and effect. But it makes you think about the association kids make with food, beyond hunger and enjoyment, and how they take this with them into their adult lives.

As parents, we help our kids develop the lens through which they see food. Will they see snacks as something to do when they watch TV or are bored or will they snack as a way to refuel between meals? Will they seek sweets as a reward for their hard work or look for other constructive ways to feel good?

The more frequently parents use food as a reward or punishment, the more likely it is their kids will grow into adults who eat in the absence of hunger. For more on this subject see 5 Times You Should Never Feed Your Kids.

Sometimes parents need a free pass
But just like anything, if we reward or punish children using food once and a while, it probably does little harm. When I was visiting some close friends up in the Bay Area awhile back, I had Big A with me. The kids were done with dinner and getting antsy while the adults wanted to hang out and talk. One of my friends mentioned getting ice cream to hold off the kids. I totally agreed and they joked that Ellyn Satter wouldn’t approve.

I told them she would totally understand that these things happen from time to time. But instead of telling Big A she had to be “good”to get her ice cream, I gave her the choice. I told her we could leave now or we could stay and talk….and get some ice cream of course. And she made the choice to stay.

So tell me, what have your experiences been with rewarding your kids with food? Did your parents do this when you were a kid?

References

Puhl RM, Schwartz MB. If you are good you can have a cookie: how memories of childhood food rules link to adult eating behaviors. Eating Behaviors. 2003: (4) 283-293.

We are on day 11 without a working kitchen.   We moved into our new place over a week ago and the kitchen renovations are taking longer than we planned.

While the end is near, I wanted to share lessons learned from this experience.  I’m sure there are some of you who will go without a kitchen at one point or another, or already have.  And there may even be some of you who prefer not to use your kitchen much.

Either way, here are some strategies for eating well even when you can’t cook.

1. Look at it as an adventure: I had a really bad attitude last week.  At the end of each day my 4 year old would ask “Why are you so grumpy mama?”  I’d always answer, “This is a tough transition sweetie.”

This week, instead of fighting the situation, I’m looking at it as a nice diversion from routine.  I’m making a point to try new restaurants in our neighborhood, have fun with the kids and even enjoy the break from cooking.

2. Stock up on healthy staples: We do have a fridge so that allows for lots of healthy fare including fruits, veggies, cheese, simple sandwiches and milk.  We have whole grain crackers, cereals and some bars in the one spare cabinet we have.  So we are covered for snacks, some lunches and can always have cereal and fruit for breakfast. 

If I was going to be in this situation for a longer period of time I would do what my friend Sarah did — buy an electric hot burner. She was out of a kitchen for a few months and was able to steam greens and veggies to go with her simple dinners.  

3.  Visit with family and friends: Last week we didn’t even bother eating breakfast at home.  We went to my mom’s or mother-in-law’s where they had real dishes and a sink.  And one night this week we are going to a friend’s house to eat with their family.

Bottom line:  Not having a kitchen is a great excuse to visit with friends and lean on family if they are around.  When people offer to help take them up on it. 

4. Do more detective work when eating out: I’m not a big stickler with nutrition when eating out because we only do it once a week if that.  But now that we are eating out more frequently I’m on the lookout for healthier options.

A really good resource is Healthy Dining Finder.  When you go to the site you punch in your zip code and get a list of restaurants in your area.  Their staff of registered dietitians work with popular dining establishments to identify healthy items and make changes to current options in order to meet their nutrition criteria.  And if you are in San Diego, a non-profit called Healthy Kids Choice works with restaurants to develop healthier kids’ meals. 

5. Let the lessons learned linger after the kitchen is up and running: The biggest lesson I learned is that I really don’t like eating out all the time.   For me it’s a nice break when it’s once a week but nothing beats a meal made at home.  I’ll try to remember that the next time I complain about planning meals and cooking all week.

And the next time I hear a friend say they are going through a kitchen remodel, I’ll be sure to ask them over and make a big pot of something.  I know they’ll appreciate it.

Have you ever gone without a kitchen for a significant period of time? How did it go?

Last week I wrote a few guest posts that I want to let you all know about. The first, Why Mom’s Nutrition May be the Most Important of All, was posted on Expect the Best Pregnancy, a site created as an extension of the book. I write about the importance of moms’ nutrition, especially after having a baby. While this post is geared towards new moms, all mothers can benefit from the take-home message of making their health a priority.

My second post was on Real Mom Nutrition. SallyKuzemchak, dietitian and creator of the site, read my post Why Every parent Needs a Feeding Strategy and had some follow-up questions. I answered them in her post titled What’s Your Feeding Strategy? Check it out.

My third guest post, How to Get Your Kids to Eat Just About Anything, was on Dumb Little Man, a popular site that provides tips to simplify life. This is a good review of the feeding advice I often write about here.

So as you can see, I’m getting around a bit. Helping to spread the message about raising healthy eaters.

My daughter and I went to her friend’s 3rd birthday party. When it was time to sing happy birthday, the kids swarmed to the table full of cupcakes. When an overweight girl asked her dad for another cupcake, he said “no, one is enough.” The girl kept pleading until she was in full meltdown mode.

Around that same time my daughter asked me for another cupcake, when all she had eaten of the first was the frosting. The mom voice in me wanted to say “you didn’t even eat the cake part, no way!” But because of all I know, I said “sure.” She took one lick and announced to me that she was “all done.”

As we were leaving, I could hear the girl still asking her dad for another cupcake while my daughter had already forgotten about them.

The question every parent needs to ask themselves is the way they feed their child effective in the long run? Let’s examine a few examples and see…

1. Being overly strict with sweet foods: I understand why the father did what he did. He’s worried that his daughter is overweight and needs to limit sweets. But while his daughter might have had only one cupcake at the party (win for Dad), she was left obsessing about the sweet treat. What is the long term implication? It’s very possible she’s going to over-eat sweets the next time she gets a chance.

According to a 2007 review study published in the Journal of Public Health, parents often use restriction to help their overweight children even though research shows it backfires and contributes to further weight gain.

Now the answer is not to give your child sweets anytime they want them. Instead of saying no to their requests, tell them they can have it at another snack or meal (example: can I have a cookie momma? I don’t have that planned for today’s snack but maybe next week). Letting them know they will have a cookie at some future date (instead of yelling “no”) teaches kids that eventually they will have a cookie and when they do they can eat until they’re satisfied. For more on this see 5 Reasons Kids and Parents Thrive on Planned Mealtimes.

2. Making them eat “this” before they can eat “that:” My daughter often has cereal with fruit for breakfast. Lately she’s been eating most of the cereal and little of the fruit. When she’s done with the cereal and asks for more my mom voice tells me to say “not until you take a few bites of your fruit.” If I did that she would eat the fruit and it would make me feel better.

But what does this feeding strategy do over the long run? Which food becomes more desirable to kids – the fruit (or vegetable in other cases) or the cereal? Studies show that asking a child eat a certain food in order to get something else makes them less likely to eat the required food when left to their own devices.

And if I know my daughter, she’ll change her eating again soon. Just a few weeks ago she ate 5 clementines and only had a couple of bites of cereal.

3. Having them take a few more bites before leaving the table: Dinner is my daughter’s – and most likely other kids’ – worst meal of the day. When my daughter barely touches her dinner my mom voice tells me to say “take a few more bites.” And when its really being pushy it adds, “and if you don’t there will be no after-dinner TV.” No doubt this strategy would help get her to eat a little more at dinner time.

But over the long run something else may happen. Instead of listening to her body, she’d learn to focus on external cues to decide when she’s done, including the okay from mom or dad. I know a lot of parents don’t consider weight a problem for their picky eaters, but we all need to remind ourselves that 6 out of 10 adults are either overweight or obese. Teaching children to listen to their hunger and fullness signals is vital for their future health.

So I ignore the mom voice (again) and look my daughter in the eye and ask her if she’s sure she’s done. I ask her if her tummy is full – reminding her to check in with herself. Some kids get distracted at meals and need to be reminded of the task at hand.

Of course other strategies like serving fruits and vegetables as appetizers and making sure kids’ afternoon snack isn’t close to dinnertime can help a great deal.

But as parents we need to challenge that little voice that tells us we can control our little one’s food intake. In fact, studies show that being too controlling or permissive when feeding children is not good for them over the long run. There’s a place in the middle and I struggle to stay there every day.

So if you don’t have a feeding strategy, maybe it’s time to get one. I stick with the division of responsibility and constantly remind myself that it’s my job to provide the food – and it’s my child’s responsibility to eat how much she wants.

You’ll be seeing more posts on managing your child’s intake of sweets in the New Year.

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References:

Clark HR, Goyder E, Bissell P, Blank L, Peters J. How do parents’ child-feeding behavior influence child weight? Implications for childhood obesity policy. J Public Health. 2007. June;29(2):132-41.

Tanofsky-Kraff M, Haynos AF, Kottler LA, Yanovski SZ, Yanovski JA. Laboratory-based studies of eating among children and adolescents. Curr Nutr Food Sci. 2007;3(1):55-74.